Confession: Somewhere between last week and early this week, I will admit, I was losing it, people.
I know you are all thinking, weren't/aren't we all? This winter has been so draining. I'm not a huge fan of winter to begin with but this one has been unbearable. Trying to get outside to "play" with a toddler has been nearly impossible and being pregnant and already having my fair share of falls so far complicates things a bit more when it comes to moving around outside on the icy conditions. So, my body misses it's precious vitamin d (along with adult beverages, and lots of them, but thats a whole different story).
Anyway, I've been fearing winter ever since I decided to make staying at home a 'permanent' thing for the time being. Summer at home with the kids? Yes please! Fall? Absolutely! Winter.....Eh, not so much. Add to that fear the fact that we have been homebound and shut in for a huge part of this winter due to ridiculously below zero temps/wind chills and countless blizzards, etc and things get ugly.
Anyway, between hormones and hell for weather, I became the mom no one enjoys being around. I felt like I was a broken record, always repeating myself, snapping at my kids more than usual (especially Ryder, who really gave us a run for our money the last week or so -- I'm happy to say that he is improving and working his way back to his easy-going self now) and just plain unhappy. I began resenting being home all the time (and trust me, usually I LOVE being in the comfort of my cozy little home!) and more than anything started feeling sorry for myself. Sorry for the fact that I stay home and make conversation all day with a two year old and clean up the same messes every single day and stare at a pile of laundry that never seems to disappear no matter how many loads I do in a day. Sound familiar?! I would be willing to bet that anyone who is home with their kids for an extended amount of time does, at one point or another, wonder if this is really worth it. Thankfully, I am able to have these conversations with Max and he's usually able to cheer me up. He really is my biggest supporter and I never worry about him misunderstanding me. He knows that I am not ungrateful for the opportunity to stay home and not work right now, he just knows that at the moment I was overwhelmed.
My chats with Max helped, and we also took a couple hours to ourselves over last weekend to grab some groceries before the next day's blizzard, and also to go out to eat. (Quite the racy date, huh? :)) I also made a point to workout almost everyday this week, because I knew it would boost my mood but I still felt like I needed something else. It was then that I remembered a book that I cherish and was recommended to me a long time ago by a dear friend. The book is called "Out of the Spin Cycle: Devotions to Lighten Your Motherload" by Jen Hatmaker. I knew exactly which chapter I needed and went to it right away. The chapter that spoke most to me this time (I have went back and read different parts of this book repeatedly over time) was titled, "Greatness, Credit, and Other Myths of Motherhood". The entire chapter is about 'serventhood' and how it relates to being a mom. You see, when I became a SAHM, I began to think that only I could perform certain tasks the right way, because I now 'managed' this family day to day. This is so not true friends. My husband and I have been a team since day one. Just because I stay home doesn't mean that I am superior to him regarding how things need to get done around here. Also, my husband's life didn't magically become 'better' or 'easier' just because he "gets" to go to work everyday, with other adults, in normal work clothes, with a quiet office to think in..... You get the point! I was feeling resentment and I was subconsciously taking it out on those around me. Luckily, after reading my little chapter I resolved to end the week on a brighter note. No one wants to be around a crabby mama! As you can probably tell, I love this book to pieces. I haven't read her other material (yet) but I plan to eventually. She is a christian author, so you may or may not agree with everything she writes about, but I promise that as a mother you will likely find at least one chapter (or 5) that speak to you in this book ;)
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